The Ideal Burger

As Tom, Mike, the other half and I prepared to watch the Pixies re-enact their masterpiece Doolittle in Brixton recently, we went to a pub called The Hive on a nearby side street to kill some time and have some food. Mike and I plumped for the burger, and after eating the semi-decent offering, I got to thinking: what goes into the perfect burger? I have broken down what I consider to be the key components below...

1) Filler: which bun should one use? How do you encase the slab of meat you wish to serve? My preference is white bread. My rule is wholemeal for sandwiches, white for hot meats. So whether it be a traditional bun, a hunk of bread or a floury bap, always go with white. You also need to consider any possible difficulties with the bread: will it fall apart if it absorbs too much grease? Will it fill you up too quickly? My choice of bun will always be a sturdy white. Not a massive bap that engulfs everything, not a thin piece of bread, just a nice bun that doesn't start to get thin and tear two mouthfuls in. No seeds either.

2) Meat: the real essence of the burger. No great surprise that there are three main rules here: quality beef (so no pre-made patties), cook it properly (medium rare or under) and season appropriately. Many places can over season for no reason other than being fancy, which is a killer mistake. Others can under-do it. And unless this is serious prime beef that's been cooked to a turn, that can let you down too. Whether it's herbs, garlic or seasoning, make sure you get the balance right. Oh, and if you get hit with the classic "we only do well done/medium" line, then you shouldn't be eating burgers wherever gives you that kind of guff.

3) Dressings: these are seriously important once steps one and two have been sorted out. Some places will try to give you a burger with egg, mushrooms, pineapple and soforth. Don't let them drag you down - this isn't a pizza you're ordering! The following toppings should not be debated: tomatoes (flavoursome and preferably large), lettuce (not iceberg), bacon (never overdone), cheese and onions. With most of these, you won't detract from the burger's glory. Nor will you get overloaded with pointless accompaniments that do nothing outside irritate.

4) Sauces: finishing touches now. You can cast the net a little wider here, but your basic four should be stuck with: ketchup, mustard, relish and mayonnaise. If the burger has been barbecued, barbecue sauce is also acceptable.

5) Sides: this is more of a top-off, since it doesn't really concern the burger. However, it's important not to overdo the side dishes. Chips, salad and potato salad in some combination should suffice.


So there you have exactly what I look for in a burger. It might be quite a personal slant, but I reckon those rules will get you somewhere near the perfection you desire when it comes to greasy beef and bread.