Mike's Food Gripes

It's taken a while but here you go. Ten things in the world of food that really grind my gears...

• Beans and Pulses - Kidney Beans, Broad Beans, Haricot Beans, Mung Beans, Chick Peas, Black Eyed Peas, I hate the lot of them. NB If i go to the trouble of requesting there are no beans in my enchilada please don't undo all the good work by serving said enchilada on a bean salad.

• Tough to eat food - I am sure lobster, shell fish and the like can be delicious but i don't want to have to eat using equipment that would be more at home in a tool box than a cutlery drawer.

• Asian Desserts - I am a big fan of Asian cuisine but it really seems strange that a whole continent appears to have missed the point on desserts. Fresh fruit just isn't the same.

• Under supported dishes - I understand that the meat/fish/nut roast (!) should be the centre piece of the meal but I am a young man with a healthy appetite (greedy). Just give me a few more potatoes.

• Couscous - "It's not supposed to taste of anything, it just takes on the flavour of the other ingredients." I'll just go home and have some highly flavoured cardboard then. So bland they named it twice.

• Ratio of Fish to Meat dishes - It seems to be a current trend particularly in the top restaurants but for me one or two fish options is plenty, especially if others are added at the expense of a good meat dish.

• Picking things out of your food - Menus will usually tell you the make-up of a particular dish. Please don't order a chicken and mushroom pie if you don't like mushrooms and are going to precede to spend the next 30 minutes identifying and removing them from the dish.

• SMASH! - I'm all for convenience foods if the occasion demands it but this is just unacceptable. How difficult is it to boil a potato?

• Vegetarian foods imitating meat - I understand (but disagree with) the ethical reasons behind vegetarianism but this just seems unnatural. If you don't want to eat a sausage why would you want to eat something that looks and tastes like a sausage...but not as good?

• 'Jack of all Trades' restaurants - Particularly Takeaway establishments. There is a lot to be said about catering for the masses but I always feel a little uneasy going to a curry house that also serves burgers, pizzas and kebabs.

Tom's Food Gripes

As promised, below are Tom's ten strongest food gripes:

• Being dismissive of any sort of food – We all do it. One of the joys of food is having your eyes opened to something you previously dismissed/hated and being genuinely surprised by it
  


• Rudeness to staff – I once witnessed the most truly atrocious behaviour, in an unsavoury show of rudeness at a pizza chain restaurant: clapping, clicking fingers and even whistling to summon staff. Totally unacceptable behaviour from a child, never mind someone who’s rolling around in a hundred grand Porsche (as it was in this case)...
  


• Rudeness from staff – in direct contradiction to the above; sometimes you wonder how people who work in a service-based industry believe they can behave towards customers in the insolent, arrogant manor they do
  


• Bovril –the smell and taste alone is enough to put you over the edge, and whilst I accept people who consume it seem to have some sort of connection with it, I cannot stand the stuff
  


• Twiglets – in snack land there are two ways to go: if you are in a certain type of pub, then it's pork scratchings all the way; if you're at a party then it's Doritos or Kettle Chips-style crisps. Put these back with the fondue sets
  


• Pesto – you may love it. I don't
  


• Black pepper – I’m as much a fan of food as theatre as the next person, but why am I deemed as being incapable of putting my own measure of black pepper on my pasta, pizza etc..?
  


• Plastic pub grub – there’s absolutely no need for any pub to microwave some mash, gravy and sausages. We're here for the food, and this is totally inexcusable
  


• Cheap Butter – the ultimate false economy. Imagine what their Hygiene is like...
  


• The compulsory service charge – not so much a food gripe, as a society gripe. I have no problem with this in the US, where there is no minimum wage and staff have to work bloody hard for their living, but in the UK we have a minimum wage. It can also encourage woeful levels of service: they rely on the fact that most people don't make them take it off out of politeness

Food Gripes

The basic nature of criticism means we're allowed to complain about things. So we thought it might be a good idea to flesh out the three first-name-terms guys in the group by letting you know the sort of stuff we really can't stand when it comes to food. Most of these are linked to eating out, but can also be more general.


Mike's and Tom's will emerge in due course, but to get the ball rolling, here are Jonnie's top ten food gripes:

• Lentils – quite why mushy, flavourless pulp needs to be added to stews, casseroles and cuts of meat everywhere is beyond me


• Overcomplicated chocolate fondants – a dessert that (when done correctly) can be utterly flawless is never helped by the addition of too-strong and outlandish ice cream flavours, or the infusion of alcohol / herbs / beetroot


• Poor lighting – I want to be able to see what I’m eating, and the people I’m eating with


• Inappropriate music – if you’re serving good quality food in a smart restaurant, don’t spoil it by playing Rihanna as background noise


• Drinking too much – please just concentrate on the food. By all means, enjoy a drink, but don’t overdo it


• Pointless salad decorations – if there has to be green stuff on my plate, I want it to add to the flavour of the dish rather than require removal from it


• Improperly cooked meat – if I have requested rare steak / burger / lamb, that’s what I mean; not pink-tinged. And don’t even start me on ‘health and safety issues’… If you offer red meat, offer to cook it how the customer wants it


• Spinach – tastes like river algae


• No bread plates – so you’re happy for me to flake crumbs all over the table..? Well, I suppose it is your table


• Dill – tends to ruin any dish, no matter how sparingly it has been used